SERMON: I HAVE A FRIEND WHO WANTS A DIVORCE

Preached by Gregory W. Lee
27 January 2008

I. Introduction
-- if you have your Bibles with you, please turn over to Matthew 19

1. When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went into the region of Judea to the other side of the Jordan.
2. Large crowds followed him, and he healed them there.
3. Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?"
4. "Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator `made them male and female,'
5. and said, `For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh' ?
6. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
7. "Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?"
8. Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.
9. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."
10. The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry."
11. Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given.
12. For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it."

-- the title of my message today is, "I have a friend who wants a divorce"
-- when I started this series on, "I have a friend who...," this was the one sermon that I dreaded addressing from the pulpit -- out of all the issues facing the church today -- from homosexuality to gay marriage to abortion to liberal theology -- this issue -- the issue of divorce -- is one of the most controversial and contentious issues today
-- the other issues tend to pit a church against another church or a denomination against another denomination -- rarely will you see the issue of gay marriage cause concern within a single church -- generally, most members of a given church are going to agree on these major issues -- whether that is in favor of them or opposed to them
-- but, the issue of divorce is just like the concept of divorce -- it touches the individual church -- it touches the individuals within that church -- and there can be strong differences of opinion within the walls of a single church and even within a single pew
-- I know this is a touchy and sensitive subject for a lot of people -- but that doesn't mean we shouldn't talk about it -- my intent this morning is not to cause division or to hurt anyone -- but simply to share, with mercy and grace, the teaching of our Lord on this subject
-- in my opinion, for far too long, the church has not dealt with this subject with mercy and grace -- I have known families -- good Christian men and women -- who have been dealing with marital problems or divorce in their lives -- and I've seen them turn to the church for support and for mercy and for grace and go away finding nothing but judgment

-- earlier this week there was a story in the news about two men who went out collecting crocodile eggs from a river bank in northern Australia -- while they were doing that, a crocodile attacked them and grabbed one of the men by his right arm and started to drag him off
-- his friend quickly grabbed a rifle and fired at the crocodile, hitting it on the first shot -- the crocodile let go of his friend's arm and he fired off another shot -- this time, he missed the crocodile and shot his friend
-- the hospital reports that the man is being treated for both the bullet and the crocodile wounds and is expected to make a full recovery
-- when I heard that story, I immediately thought of this message -- if a friend comes to us and tells us that they are wanting a divorce, the last thing we need to do -- as a friend or as a church -- is to shoot at them and wound them worse than they are already wounded
-- so, what do you tell a friend who comes to you and says that they are wanting to divorce their spouse? -- you know, I've dealt with this situation several times -- on both sides -- from people who were wanting to divorce their spouses and from people who had been told by their spouses that they wanted a divorce -- and I bet that you have, too
-- so, what do you say to a friend who is hurting? -- to a friend who comes to you and asks for your advice in this situation?
-- before we try to formulate an answer, let's look at this passage and the teaching of Jesus on this subject in more detail

II. Scripture Lesson Context
-- first, though, let's look at the context
-- as this passage opens, Jesus is making his final journey to Jerusalem to face the cross -- He has left Galilee and is now crossing through Judea when He is confronted by a group of Pharisees who were trying to test Him and catch Him saying something that would get Jesus in trouble with either the temple and the High Priest or with the Romans
-- look back at verse 1


1. When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went into the region of Judea to the other side of the Jordan.
2. Large crowds followed him, and he healed them there.
3. Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?"

-- now, there is a reason that the Pharisees chose the topic of divorce to try to trip Jesus up -- you see, Judea was ruled by Herod Antipas -- he was the son of Herod the Great -- the king who killed all the Hebrew babies in Bethlehem at the time of Jesus' birth
-- this Herod is the one who had John the Baptist beheaded because John criticized his marriage to Herodias, who was his niece and the wife of his half-brother Philip -- the Pharisees were probably hoping that they could get Jesus to condemn this illegitimate marriage of Herod and Herodias and that He would be arrested and executed, just like John the Baptist
-- so they come to Jesus and ask Him a loaded question -- "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?"
-- notice that the question is not, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife," but instead, "Can a man divorce his wife for any and every reason?"
-- during the time of Christ, divorce was legal among the Jews -- in the book of Deuteronomy, a provision had been put into the law that allowed a man to divorce his wife if she was found to be indecent in his eyes
-- so the real question that the Pharisees were asking Jesus, hoping to get Him to condemn Herod, was what defined indecency -- in other words, can a man divorce his woman for any and all reasons or are there specific reasons that are lawful? -- the hidden question, then, was, "Did Herod break the law by marrying Herodias?"

-- but Jesus knew what they were really asking and He knew why they were asking it -- look at His response -- verse 4

4. "Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator `made them male and female,'
5. and said, `For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh' ?
6. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

-- just as He did with the beatitudes -- just as He did with all of His teachings -- Jesus took the issue back to the heart of the matter
-- "Why are you even asking about divorce -- don't you know that this is not the way it was at the beginning, when the Father created marriage?"
-- marriage is a holy and sacred union of two people in the eyes of God -- when two people come together -- when a man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife -- they are no longer two, but now they are one
-- they are joined together by God -- He has bonded them one to the other -- so, when the Pharisees come to Jesus and try to trip Him up on the issue of lawful divorce, Jesus responds by saying, "Why are you even talking about divorce? -- Why are you even considering separating what God has joined?"
-- several years ago, I went through a Bible study on the Song of Solomon by Tommy Nelson -- and in this study, Tommy talks about the permanence of marriage -- the same thing that Jesus is talking about here
-- in Tommy's church, they don't have a chancel rail like we do -- their altar is at the top of these stairs -- so in order to go to the altar, you have to climb these stairs -- now when Tommy would marry people, the bride and the groom would meet at the top of the stairs in front of the altar and the wedding party would cascade down the stairs on each side
-- but Tommy said that before he would allow the bride and the groom to climb the stairs to start the marriage ceremony, that he would meet them at the bottom -- right in front of the congregation and right in front their families -- and he wouldn't let the marriage proceed until the man said, "I will not divorce this woman" and the woman said, "I will not divorce this man"
-- that's the point that Jesus is trying to make with the Pharisees -- Why are you concerned with divorce? -- the focus of a man and a woman should not be how to legally get out of a marriage but how to stay married and joined together by God -- in other words, take divorce out of your vocabulary
-- that's exactly what I tell people who come to me for counseling -- whether that's premarital counseling or marital counseling -- let's take the word "divorce" off the table and let's focus on the issue of marriage
-- now I know and you know that there may be valid reasons to consider divorce -- and we'll talk about them in just a minute -- but, by and large, the word "divorce" should not be allowed in a Christian marriage

-- verse 7

7. "Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?"

-- can you picture this in your mind? -- here this group of Pharisees has come to Jesus and they think they've finally got Him -- they've trapped Him in a question that will either get Him in trouble with the church or it will get Him in trouble with Herod and the government
-- I can just see them standing there smirking -- rubbing their hands together in glee -- as they wait for Jesus to try to worm His way out of their question -- and, lo and behold, Jesus turns the tables on them
-- "Why are you talking about divorce?" Jesus says, "Shouldn't you be focused on keeping together what God has joined?"
-- the Pharisees are dumbfounded -- Jesus didn't answer their answer their question -- so they try again, "But Moses said we could divorce -- why did He say that if God didn't mean for us to be able to divorce"

-- now Jesus has them where He wants them -- verse 8

8. Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.
9. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."

-- in the beginning, it wasn't like this -- God created Eve to be a partner with Adam -- to be his help-meet -- to be his mate -- to be flesh of his flesh and bone of his bone -- God intended for men and women to join together in holy marriage and to be one
-- but, something happened -- your hearts became hard -- sin entered the land -- the marriage covenant was corrupted and defiled -- and so, God allowed Moses to institute divorce as a means of dealing with the sin that was defiling God's purpose in marriage
-- God's original intent was not for men and women to be divorced -- His intent was for them to remain married for life -- but, because of sin, it becomes necessary, from time to time, for divorce to occur
-- and now Jesus answers their original question -- "But," He says, "divorce should not occur for any and every reason -- that is not the intent of God -- divorce should only occur when there is marital unfaithfulness"
-- now, let me make a couple of points here

-- first, notice that Matthew specifically says in verse 9, "anyone who divorces from his wife" -- the Book of Matthew was written for a Jewish audience -- and only Jewish men were allowed to initiate a divorce -- so Matthew does not address the issue of women seeking a divorce from their husbands
-- hold your place here and turn over to Mark Chapter 10 and look at verses 11 and 12

11. He answered, "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her.
12. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery."
-- the Book of Mark was written for a Gentile audience, and it was common among the Greeks and the Romans for both husbands and wives to seek a divorce, so Mark includes both instances in his gospel
-- therefore, this teaching of Jesus on divorce applies equally to both husbands and wives -- the only reason Matthew left out the issue of wives divorcing was because of cultural norms at that time

-- secondly, verse 9 includes what is called, "the exception clause" -- in other words, scholars contend that Jesus was saying, "You should not divorce except for this reason" -- and that reason is marital unfaithfulness
-- now you should know that scholars are greatly divided on what Jesus means in this verse -- in my studying on this passage, I found some scholars who said that Jesus was saying that there should never be any divorce at all -- for any reason -- and I found others who argued that Jesus was allowing divorce in certain circumstances
-- the issue revolves around the term "marital unfaithfulness" -- the Greek word that is used here has several different meanings -- the King James Version translates this as "fornication" -- and we typically think of Jesus as meaning that a spouse was sexually unfaithful to the other
-- but the Greek word used here is not the same as the Greek word used later on in the verse for "adultery" -- which seems to imply that Jesus had more in mind than just sexual unfaithfulness
-- actually, if you were to look at the Old Testament law, you would see that Jesus couldn't mean "adultery" here, because the penalty for adultery in the Old Testament and at the time Jesus spoke these words was death by stoning -- remember the adulterous woman who the crowd brought to Jesus and tried to get Him to denounce?
-- so, what does Jesus mean here by "marital unfaithfulness?" -- I'm not a Bible scholar, but I'm going to give you my thoughts on this -- I think, in context, that Jesus is saying that divorce should only be considered when the marriage covenant is so broken by the sin of one or both of the partners that there is no hope for reconciliation or restoration
-- in today's culture, we don't stone people to death for adultery -- so this can mean adultery now -- but, in my opinion, it definitely includes such things as spousal abuse or criminal activities

III. Closing
-- so, let's get back to our original question -- if a friend comes to you and says, "I am thinking about getting a divorce" -- what would you tell them? -- what would you do?

-- I think the first thing you should do is to talk with your friend and find out what exactly is going on in their relationship
-- there may be valid problems in the marriage -- there may be clearcut issues of marital unfaithfulness -- but a lot of the times, there are not
-- I can't tell you the number of times I've had people come to me and say, "I want a divorce because I'm not happy any more -- I want a divorce because I am not in love with this person any more -- I want a divorce because my spouse doesn't understand me" or any variety of reasons
-- there may be valid reasons for divorce -- but, in a lot of cases, there are just excuses for why this person is tired of being married to someone else
-- if your friend is coming to you and saying, "I want a divorce," it could be that they are just trying to get you to validate their decision -- so you need to find out what is really going on before you say anything
-- let me caution you here -- always, always, find out both sides of the situation -- never rely on a single spouse when you are trying to help someone get a handle on marital problems -- I have been there and done that and I'm telling you, "Don't do it." -- you cannot know what's really going on in a relationship by talking with just one spouse

secondly, I think you should share with them Jesus' teachings on this passage about the permanence of marriage in a loving manner
-- never, ever blast someone for thinking about getting a divorce -- that's not what Jesus would do -- your friend's coming to you for support and for help -- not for judgment -- and certainly not to get shot while the crocodile of divorce is threatening
-- the church has a tendency to shoot first and ask questions later -- we are the only group I know that shoots our wounded -- and a lot of times we leave people thinking that divorce is the unpardonable sin -- it's not and we shouldn't give that impression
-- if a friend comes to you and tells you that they are thinking about getting a divorce, remind them of God's plan for marriage -- just don't shoot them in the process

-- Jesus tells us in this passage that God's original intent was that men and women should never divorce, but that they should remain together as one -- as an image of the relationship between the Father and the Son
-- Jesus said in His prayer in John 17:11 -- "I will remain in the world no longer, but they are still in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name--the name you gave me--so that they may be one as we are one." -- and while I know that this was a prayer primarily for the church, I think it was also a prayer for all relationships among Christians -- whether that is members of a church or a husband and wife
-- God wants us to be one -- in Christian marriage, He put us together -- He bound us together as a new creation -- as one -- and Jesus says that this bond should not be dissolved

-- that doesn't mean that problems won't arise in a marriage -- they certainly will --and for that reason, you need to share with your friend the good news of God's healing power in their lives
-- our God is a God of healing -- our God is a God of restoration -- our God is a God of forgiveness -- and I think you need to speak words of healing and restoration and forgiveness into the lives of anyone who is having marital problems
-- I'm going to go on record here and say that I do not believe that there is any situation or any circumstance or any sin that is too great for the power of God to redeem and restore and renew
-- that doesn't mean that the couple shouldn't separate for a while until God works through them to restore and renew their marriage -- but I think that you should help your friend see that divorce, for whatever reason, should be the last option
-- that said, let me make this perfectly clear -- in the case of abuse or criminal activity, I think you should encourage your friend to separate immediately from the situation for their own safety -- whether this proceeds towards divorce or not, the safety of your friend is of the utmost importance
-- I believe that healing can even come about in these situations, but until the other spouse allows God to work in them and through them, it might be in the best interest of your friend to get out for their own safety at the moment

-- next, I would suggest that you try to get your friend some professional help -- even if you are a trained counselor, in most cases, it's probably not a good idea to try to counsel your friends -- it might lead to problems in your own relationship with your friend
-- you are better off trying to get the couple to go to a trained Christian counselor or to a pastor who can either counsel them or get them professional help
-- you can be there for them -- you can listen to them and give them a shoulder to lean on during the process -- you can love them through it -- but I am going to recommend that you leave the counseling to trained persons

-- finally, and I'm going to close with this, we need to be more loving in our response to those in our churches who have been divorced -- we will never fully understand the reasons why someone got divorced -- and we shouldn't judge them for having been divorced
-- Jesus said that divorce came about because our hearts had been hardened -- because sin had entered into our lives -- sometimes sin of our own -- but sometimes the sin of another
-- the message of the Bible is this -- God's original intent was for us to live in holy relationships with each other and with Him -- but sin entered the earth through Adam and Eve -- and as a result, we are all sinners and have all fallen short of the glory and the purposes of God -- but the good news of the Bible is that there is grace and mercy and healing and forgiveness for all of us -- regardless of what we have done in our lives
-- it is for this reason that Christ came -- and it is to this very end that He calls you this morning
-- as I close, I want to offer to you the invitation of Christ to renew and restore your lives and your relationships through Him -- through His death on the cross and His resurrection on the third day, Jesus has made it possible for us to be forgiven and to live in holy relationships with God and with others
-- if you have never accepted His offer of forgiveness and grace -- or if you have fallen away and allowed sin to impact your lives and your relationship -- then Christ offers you His grace today -- all you have to do is ask
-- let us pray