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Language Lessons

"To be successful in marriage you have to learn how to communicate with and without words" (Dr. Gary Chapman).

I occasionally am called upon to counsel engaged couples or those with marital problems. Of all the resources that I have ever used, the best resource by far is "The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman. Even though I had been to numerous Promise Keepers events and pledged to serve and love my wife with my whole heart, this book alone changed our relationship for the better. I used to just recommend it for new couples, and now I purchase a copy and give it to each couple I counsel -- it is that good. Anyway, someone e-mailed me the following article by Dr. Chapman, with their thoughts attached. It is a great synopsis of the book, and I hope you will read it and APPLY it to your lives.
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Dr. Gary Chapman is one of our favorite authors when it comes
to providing a practical, Biblical approach to marriage communication. If
you've never read his classic, The Five Love Languages, published by
Moody Press, we feel this is a Must Read for every couple. So, when we received this article by Dr. Chapman this week from the Marriage Partnership
magazine web site, we thought this synopsis of the importance of
understanding each others Love Language, would be a valuable resource for us. Following is Dr. Chapman's article:

"I'm desperate," Mark told me when he entered my office. "My wife told me
she doesn't love me, and she wants me out of her life. I don't understand.
I've been a good husband. I love Suzanne: I tell her how beautiful and
special she is. How can she throw away 17 years of marriage?"

"Has Suzanne ever complained to you?" I asked. "She says we don't spend
enough time together and that we don't talk. But my business is demanding,
and when I get home I need down time."

I knew their problem: Suzanne's love language (the way she
best understands and receives love) was Quality Time, and Mark hadn't spoken that language.

His compliments weren't enough; Suzanne needed his time and attention.

Feeling loved is our deepest emotional need. When that need goes unmet,
it weakens our love for our spouse. Then the negative behavior patterns
we once overlooked begin to annoy us. That's why Suzanne could say, "I
don't love you."

After 30 years of marriage counseling, I'm convinced there are five main
languages of love. Each person uses all the languages, but really thrives
on one. The better you speak your spouse's love language, the stronger
your emotional love life will be. For those unfamiliar with love languages,
here's a brief course:

Words of Affirmation: Proverbs 18:21 says, "The tongue has the power of
life and death." This language uses words to honor and appreciate your
spouse. "You look nice in that outfit." "Thanks for taking out the trash.
I really appreciate all the hard work you do."

Gifts: A gift says, She was thinking about me. Look what she got for me.
Gifts don't need to be expensive. Haven't we always said, "It's the
thought that counts"? With gifts, it isn't what you give, but how often
you give that communicates love.

Acts of Service: The Bible tells us to love not only in word but in action
(1 John 3:18). Acts of service include: washing the car, walking the dog,
changing the baby, or whatever needs doing.

Quality Time: This means giving your spouse undivided attention. Maybe
it's a picnic, a weekend away, or just muting the TV. The important
thing is the two of you are focused on each other.

Physical Touch: We've long known the emotional power of physical touch.
Holding hands; embracing; a back rub; even putting your hand on your
mate's leg while you drive.

So how do you discover your spouse's love language? Answer the following:

"How does my spouse most often express love to me?" If they give you
words of affirmation that may be their love language. They're giving you what they wish to receive.

"What does my spouse complain about most often?" Our complaints reveal
our deepest desires. Suzanne complained, "We don't have time for each
other. We don't talk." Quality Time was her love language.

"What does my spouse request most often?" If your spouse routinely asks,
"Would you help me make the bed?" "Would you give the children a bath
tonight?" then Acts of Service may be his or her primary love language.

You need 3 things to be a successful in expressing your love to your spouse.

1. Information. What is your spouse's love language?

2. Will. Love is an active choice.

3. Frequency. Use your spouse's primary language to express love regularly.


It took Suzanne 9 months to work through the hurt, neglect, and lack of
empathy she felt from Mark. But eventually their marriage was reborn.

"If anyone told me I could have loving feelings for him again, I would have
never believed it," Suzanne told me. "But I do. He's speaking my language,"
she said, smiling. Learn to speak your spouse's love language and you too
can live with a smiling mate!

Dr Gary Chapman, a marriage and relationship expert and best-selling author of numerous books, including The Five Love Languages (Moody) and Covenant Marriage (Broadman & Holman), lives in North Carolina. For
further articles and resources on marriage, visit the Marriage Partnership web
site at www.MarriagePartnership.com.

When Cindy and I first employed Dr. Chapman's principles of the Five Love
Languages in our marriage it revolutionized our understanding of each other.
By the way, Cindy's primary Love Language is Acts of Service and mine is
Words of Affirmation. Now we know when we want to truly express love for
the other one how we can do it in a way that will really speak to them.
This is a great tool. We strongly suggest you learn them and use them.

We pray this will be a wonderful week in your marriage. Our love is with
you as we work together to make our marriages strong, healthy, loving,
and Christ honoring.

In Christ,

Steve & Cindy Wright (Tucson, Arizona, USA)

As always, we appreciate the opportunity to share these marriage messages
each week. If you find value in them, we hope you might share them with
other couples you know. Anyone can subscribe to this free weekly email
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