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YOU MIGHT BE A UNITED METHODIST IF......
you don't take Rolaids when your heart is strangely warmed

you know that a circuit rider is not an electrical device

"The Upper Room" is as essential to your bathroom as the toilet paper

you've ever owned a pair of cross and flame boxer shorts

you sit while singing "Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus"

you've ever sung a gender-inclusive hymn

tithing is encouraged but widely ignored

half the people sitting in your pew lip-sync the words to the hymns

the word apportionment sends a chill down your spine

you realize pluralism isn't a communicable disease

names like Aldersgate, Asbury and Epworth are familiar

you consider the monthly potluck a sacrament

the only church camp song you know by heart is "Kum ba yah"

you've ever attended an Annual Conference and actually enjoyed it

you have an unexplained yearning to visit Wesley's chapel in London

your church is named for a geographical location rather than for a saint

you've never heard a sermon on Hell and don't feel you're missing out

you realize that VBS isn't a sexually transmitted disease

your pastor moves every four or five years and you like it that way

your pastor responses to you with, "I hear you saying..."

there's at least one person in every church meeting who says, "But we've never done it that way before"

your congregation's Christmas pageant include both boy and girl wise men

you accept the fact that the hymn, "O For a thousand tongues to sing" has almost as many stanzas as tongues

you know that the Wesleyan Quadrilateral isn't a trick football play involving four lateral passes

you realize that the Book of Discipline is not a guide to getting you child to behave

you understand that an "appointment" has nothing to do with keeping a lunch date

you know "UMW" stands for United Methodist Women rather than the United Mine Workers

you know the difference between a "diagonal" minister and a "Diaconal" minister

"Good morning" has the status of a liturgical greeting in the worship service

you feel a twinge of guilt when you sing "Onward Christian Soldiers" with gusto

you say "trespasses" instead of "debts" in the Lord's Prayer and have no idea why

your annual conference spends most of its time debating resolutions that nobody reads

you'd rather be branded with a hot iron than serve on the Nominating Committee (or PPR, Trustees, Finance, etc)

you've ever sipped Welch's grape juice out of a plastic shot glass during Communion

the members of the Friendship class are always fighting among themselves

you realize that sprinkling, pouring and immersing are not ways of seasoning food

you're asked to donate money to a "special offering" every other Sunday

you pour over the Conference Journal with the same intensity you would read a John Grisham novel

you have to fight through a cadre of "designated greeters" to get into the sanctuary

when the worship service lasts for more than one hour the beeping of watch alarms drowns out the final hymn.