"YOU MIGHT BE IN A SOUTHERN COUNTRY CHURCH IF..."

1. The doors are never locked.

2. The Call to Worship is "Y'all come on in!"

3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark.

4. The Preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the
offering," and five guys stand up.

5. The restrooms are outside.

6. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official
church holiday.

7. A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck
because, "I ain't ever been in a hole it couldn't get me out of."

8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of two
calves.

9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors had to
buy any meat or vegetables.

10. When it rains, everybody's smiling.

11. Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship
service.

12. A singing group is known as the "OK Chorale."

13. The church directory doesn't have last names.

14. The pastor wears boots.

15. Four generations of one family sit together in worship every
Sunday and Wednesday.

16. The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during
the summer and then only so their neighbors can't leave them a bag of
squash.

17. There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.

18. Baptism is referred to as "branding."

19. There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank.

20. Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.

21. You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o'clock that
afternoon you have had a dozen calls inquiring about your health.

22. High notes on the organ sets dogs in the parking lot to howling.

23. People wonder, when Jesus fed the 5,000, whether the two fish were
bass or catfish.

24. People think "Rapture" is what happens when you lift something too
heavy.

25. The cemetery is in such barren ground that people are buried with
a sack of fertilizer to help them rise on Judgment Day.

26. It's not heaven, but you can see heaven from there.

27. The final words of the benediction are,
Y'all come back now, ya hear!"