You Might Be A Methodist If...

- You think John Wesley was the 13th Apostle.

- You think God's presence is strongest on the back three pews.

- You think "Amazing Grace" is the national anthem.

- Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.

- You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke King James English.

- You think worship music has to be loud.

- You think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers.

- You judge the quality of a service by its length.

- You ever wake up in the middle of the night craving fried chicken and interpret that feeling as a call to preach.

- You believe that you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven.

- You have never sung the third verse of any hymn.

- You have ever put an IOU in the offering plate.

- You think someone who says "Amen" while the preacher is preaching might be a Charismatic.

- You complain that the pastor only works one day and then he works too long.

- You clapped in church and felt guilty about it all week.

- You are old enough to get a senior discount at the pharmacy, but not old enough to promote to the Senior Adult Sunday School; you think the only promotion after that is the cemetery.

- You are upset that Joshua brought down the wall of Jericho and think that the Board of Trustees should recommend that the church pay for it to prevent a general ruckus.

- You are upset that the last hymn in the new hymnal is numbered "666.

-- You sit while singing "Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus"


-- you don't take Rolaids when your heart is strangely warmed

-- you know that a circuit rider is not an electrical device

-- "The Upper Room" is as essential to your bathroom as the toilet paper

-- you've ever owned a pair of cross and flame boxer shorts

-- you've ever sung a gender-inclusive hymn

-- tithing is encouraged but widely ignored

-- half the people sitting in your pew lip-sync the words to the hymns

-- the word apportionment sends a chill down your spine

-- you realize pluralism isn't a communicable disease

-- names like Aldersgate, Asbury and Epworth are familiar

-- you consider the monthly potluck a sacrament

-- the only church camp song you know by heart is "Kum ba yah"

-- you've ever attended an Annual Conference and actually enjoyed it

-- you have an unexplained yearning to visit Wesley's chapel in London

-- your church is named for a geographical location rather than for a saint

-- you've never heard a sermon on Hell and don't feel you're missing out

-- you realize that VBS isn't a sexually transmitted disease

-- your pastor moves every four or five years and you like it that way

-- your pastor responses to you with, "I hear you saying..."

-- there's at least one person in every church meeting who says, "But we've never done it that way before"

-- your congregation's Christmas pageant include both boy and girl wise men

-- you accept the fact that the hymn, "O For a thousand tongues to sing" has almost as many stanzas as tongues

-- you know that the Wesleyan Quadrilateral isn't a trick football play involving four lateral passes

-- you realize that the Book of Discipline is not a guide to getting you child to behave

-- you understand that an "appointment" has nothing to do with keeping a lunch date

-- you know "UMW" stands for United Methodist Women rather than the United Mine Workers

-- you know the difference between a "diagonal" minister and a "Diaconal" minister

-- "Good morning" has the status of a liturgical greeting in the worship service

-- you feel a twinge of guilt when you sing "Onward Christian Soldiers" with gusto

-- you say "trespasses" instead of "debts" in the Lord's Prayer and have no idea why

-- your annual conference spends most of its time debating resolutions that nobody reads

-- you'd rather be branded with a hot iron than serve on the Nominating Committee (or PPR, Trustees, Finance, etc)

-- you've ever sipped Welch's grape juice out of a plastic shot glass during Communion

-- the members of the Friendship class are always fighting among themselves

-- you realize that sprinkling, pouring and immersing are not ways of seasoning food

-- you're asked to donate money to a "special offering" every other Sunday

-- you pour over the Conference Journal with the same intensity you would read a John Grisham novel

-- you have to fight through a cadre of "designated greeters" to get into the sanctuary

-- when the worship service lasts for more than one hour the beeping of watch alarms drowns out the final hymn.