40 DAYS OF LOVE SERMON SERIES:
SPEAKING THE TRUTH IN LOVE
22 February 2009
I. Introduction
-- turn in Bibles to 1 Corinthians 13
4. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8. Love never fails.
-- the key verse for this morning is verse 6 -- "Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth"
-- several weeks ago, someone came and asked me a question on behalf of a friend of theirs -- their friend's mother-in-law is divorced and for the past several years has been having an affair with a married man -- this married man would even spend days and nights at her house
-- the friend was concerned over the message that this was sending to their children -- given the fact that they were trying to raise their children to love the Lord and were trying to teach them to obey God in all that they do -- but it was hard to do that because they could literally look across the street and see their grandmother living in sin with a married man
-- so, their friend went to his mother-in-law and told her that what she was doing was wrong -- he showed her in the Bible where it said that men and women should not be together like that unless they were married -- he showed her where her lifestyle was wrong in the sight of God and he told her that, unless she repented of her sin and quit what she was doing, he was not going to allow his children to come over and visit with her
-- now he was very upset because he felt like he had judged her and had committed a sin because of what he had said to her
-- I didn't get the opportunity to talk to him directly, but I passed on the word that what he had done was in perfect accordance with the word of God and with the law of love -- as it says in our key verse this morning, "Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth" and as it says in Ephesians 4:15, we are to speak the truth in love to our neighbors who are living in falsehood and evil
-- we are continuing in our series on the 40 Days of Love -- and this morning we are going to address one of the most controversial and most avoided topics in the church today -- and that is speaking the truth in love through confrontation
-- confronting loved ones about their sins or their actions is actually the first step in church discipline -- a practice that is sorely needed in the church today and that few churches or individuals are willing to practice for fear of hurting someone's feelings
-- so, to start our study on this topic, if you would, please turn with me to Matthew 18 and let's see what the Bible has to say about church discipline
II. Church Discipline
-- look if you would at verse 15
15. "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.
16. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that `every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.'
17. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
-- now I want you to note who is speaking and the context of these words -- first, note that this is Jesus who is speaking -- who is passing on this direction and truth to His disciples -- this isn't Paul -- this isn't Peter -- this is Christ Himself who is commanding us to enact the process of discipline and correction on those who have sinned against us or who are living lifestyles that aren't compatible with God's word
-- next, note the context -- these words are given within an evangelistic message from Jesus -- in other words, Jesus is telling His disciples here that God loves them so much that He wants them to live holy lives and to enter into His kingdom in faith
-- He warns them that if they have sin in their lives, they are to cast it out -- to put off the sinful actions and to take up the holiness that comes from following God -- and then He reminds them of those around them -- He says that the Father loves the lost sinner so much, that He will leave the 99 sheep and go to find the one who wandered off
-- Jesus says here in verse 14, "The Father is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost" -- and then immediately gives His disciples the steps of church discipline and tells them how to approach those that they love who have wronged them in some way
-- this is important to remember, because it frames church discipline in an important way -- the reason why we are called to confront our loved ones about their sins and their actions -- the reason why we are called to discipline our church members who have strayed is to help them find their way back into complete fellowship with God and with the church again -- to help reconcile them to God and the church again through repentance and restoration
-- notice the first step in church discipline there in verse 15
15. "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.
-- this first step is what we are going to be discussing this morning -- it is the art of confronting our loved ones about their sin and their actions by speaking the truth in love to them and showing them the error of their ways -- this is a private action -- just between the two of you -- it is the first step on the road to reconciliation -- and, hopefully, it will be enough to lead them back into fellowship with you and with God
-- this is exactly what the person I was talking about in my opening illustration did with his mother-in-law -- although he was upset at having to do it, he was following Christ's commands -- he was called to confront her because of her obvious sin and to speak the truth in love to her in hopes of reconciling her to him and to the church -- now, if she fails to respond to his confrontation, then he is to continue on in the process of discipline, which would involve bringing in one or two other witnesses and eventually bringing it before the church
III.
What is Confrontation?
-- so, what is confrontation -- what is the reason for it? -- well, we've already addressed this to some extent, but let's take it a little deeper
-- Confrontation is loving someone enough to help them change their life for the better -- it is coming to someone that you love and helping them to recognize their shortcomings and the possible consequences of their actions so that they will turn from their sin and change for the better
-- confrontation is having to say tough things to someone else that they don't want to hear but that they need to hear -- and that you, in love, need to share to help them be reconciled to you and to God -- keeping the peace doesn't mean hiding the truth -- it doesn't mean ignoring the truth -- it means addressing problems in a Godly manner to accomplish Godly purposes
-- looking back at my life, it's easy to see the areas where God has gifted me -- one area that I have been gifted in is in education -- I always did well in school -- I was always at the top of my class -- I was always the quickest to pick up new facts and to excel in subjects in school and to be recognized for my academic achievements through awards and other recognitions
-- it's a wonderful blessing from God to be gifted in this way -- but, it can very easily lead you down a wrong path -- if you're not careful, you can easily become prideful and arrogant about this -- and that's exactly what I did without realizing it -- I started to take credit for my academic success, rather than to give the glory to God -- and I began to look down on others who did not succeed like I was succeeding -- I was coming across as very prideful and arrogant to others -- as someone who was better than others and above them in all ways
-- one day, a friend came to me in love and confronted me on this issue -- he pointed out that I was sinning in this area and that my pride and arrogance was hurting those around me -- and it took his loving confrontation -- speaking words that I didn't want to hear but that I needed to hear -- to steer me back to the path of humility and to the place where I recognized and gave God the glory for all the gifts He had given me
-- this is an area that I still continue to struggle in -- it's tough to maintain -- it's not like you can one day wake up and say, "I'm going to be humble today" -- but when I start to get a little prideful -- when I start to get full of myself -- God reminds me of the words of my friend and brings me back through repentance
-- this is a great example of what confrontation in the church should look like
-- basically, there are two primary reasons for you to confront someone else -- first, if you have been wronged by someone else and it is affecting your relationship -- and, second, if someone you love is doing something that is damaging their relationship with God or others
-- now, keep in mind that sometimes confrontation is not the right thing to do at that moment -- sometimes the right path is simply to offer forgiveness without confrontation -- you would choose to do that if confrontation might make the matter worse or if confrontation might lead to increased damage to relationships -- confrontation in these cases would not be healthy
-- the goal of confrontation is to heal relationships -- relationships between you and the other person and their relationship with God -- there are cases where the sin against you is so deep that you don't want to restore your relationship with the other person -- where it wouldn't be a good idea to restore your relationship with them -- in that case, you wouldn't confront them but would simply forgive them in your heart as a means of spiritual healing
IV. How Do We Confront?
-- so, how do we confront someone else? -- how do we go about speaking the truth in love? -- I'm running out of time, so let me give you the steps of confrontation real quick
-- Before you confront anyone in love:
1. Check your motives.
-- why are you doing this? -- why do you think that you need to confront this other person? -- there are right motives and there are wrong motives -- the right motive is to seek to help the other person and not to hurt them -- to seek to restore relationships with each other or with God
-- wrong motives would include things like jealousy -- anger -- envy -- some people want to point fingers at someone else and show them how wrong they are living in order to make themselves feel spiritually superior -- these are all wrong motives
-- so, the first thing you have to do is check your motives and make sure it is something that God is clearly calling you to do
2. Plan your presentation
-- confrontation should not be spontaneous -- engage your mind before you put your tongue in gear -- you need to spend some time planning what you're going to say, how you're going to say it, and when you're going to say it
-- remember that the ultimate goal of confrontation is transformed lives and relationships -- when you confront someone, make sure you clearly identify what they're doing that's wrong and the implications of their behavior -- what is their behavior doing to them and to those around them? -- and think about how you can say this to them in love
3. Make sure you give them affirmation -- that you affirm that you love them and that the reason you are doing this is because you care about them and what they're doing to themselves
-- the truth is likely to hurt -- so we must couch it in affirmations -- put the affirmation on each side of the confrontation -- it's like eating a sandwich where you have bread and bread and meat in between
-- Start with affirmation -- "you are a blessing to me because...." -- "I love you and deeply care for you" -- "You mean a lot to me"
-- and then say, "for that reason, there's something I need to tell you" -- that's when you dive in and confront them on their behavior, remembering to speak the truth in love
-- and then you end with affirmation -- "I'm doing this because I want to help you with this issue" -- "I believe you can change" -- "I'll pray for you and help you"
-- Affirm that:
-- you deeply love and care for the person
-- you will pray for them and help them
-- You believe they can change
-- The relationship can be better and that you can be even closer as a result of this confrontation
4. Risk their rejection -- when you lay it all out on the line and confront someone over something they have done to you or something they are doing that is not right, they are liable to get angry and to get defensive -- they're liable to reject you and what you are saying -- but, if you truly love them, then you have to risk their rejection in order to bring them back home to God again and to restore the relationships in their lives
V. Closing
-- remember the overall goal of confrontation is transformation -- transformation of the relationship into a deeper, more meaning relationship -- transformation of the person into a more Godly disciple of Christ
-- a good way to remember the steps of confronting is through this formula -- Truth + Tact + Timing = Transformation -- Truth + Tact + Timing = Transformed lives and transformed relationships
-- Confrontation has its place in the church -- discipline has its place in the church -- and both of them probably need to be done more than we are currently doing it -- but they need to be done correctly
-- confrontation should only be done in love -- confrontation should only be considered if you have the right motives -- if your motives are pure -- confrontation should not be something that you just jump into -- it needs to be planned -- it needs to be bathed in prayer -- it needs to be something that God leads you to do -- and it needs to be surrounded with affirmation
-- let me close by leaving you with one more example of how loving confrontation should look in the church -- in Christianity Today, there was the story about this small group of women who would get together once a week for Bible study -- well, one lady in the group, Connie, loved to talk -- she'd carry on each session about her love life -- about how things were going with her boyfriend -- just on and on about her relationship with him -- taking up at least 30 minutes of their hour-and-a-half meeting time
-- at first, the group listened and supported her -- but after a while, it became too much -- she was dominating the group's time and not letting anyone else share what was going on with them -- it began to affect the overall unity in the group and affected Connie's relationship with everyone there -- in fact, two people quit the group because they were tired of Connie's constant personal conversations
-- so, Lydia, the leader of the group, knew she needed to confront Connie about her behavior -- she set up a meeting with Connie and asked her, "Do you realize that you absorb a lot of our small group time with your problems and that other people often don't have the opportunity to share?" -- Connie's blank face told Lydia she was oblivious.
-- Lydia continued by saying, "Our group loves you, Connie. We want you there because you offer valuable insights and you are an encouragement. But sometimes you've got to let go of the spotlight."
-- Two hours and many tears later, Connie agreed that she'd make a conscious effort to change -- when she rejoined her small group, at first she felt ashamed and barely uttered a word -- week by week, she learned how to be a better listener and how to be more constructive when she shared her struggles. [Source: "Dominated by One" by Life Together]
-- this week, our "Putting It Into Practice" is a little more difficult -- as we've been doing all along, I want you to go ahead and select one person that you care about -- one person who has either wronged you or who is not following God's path
-- and then I want you to affirm that person on paper -- I want you to make a list of all the positive qualities of that person -- and then I want you to pray about them and what they are doing and ask God if He wants you to confront them at this time or not
-- now, it may very well be that it is not the right time to confront them -- if that's the case, then what you need to do this week is just start praying for this person in a very specific way -- make sure your motives are correct and just pray for them and wait for God's leading before you make the decision to confront them on any action
-- sometimes, loving confrontation is the only route to renewal and growth -- it is the only path that you can take to reconcile a relationship -- to help lead a person back to a more Godly lifestyle and to steer them back into a right relationship with both you and with God
-- so, as we close, I want to encourage you to not enter this path lightly but to approach any confrontations you are thinking of with prayer and planning -- remembering to always speak the truth in love
-- let us pray
No comments:
Post a Comment